13 Apr 2000
In which Matt tries to decide whether to come out to his parents or not… I know what you’re thinking: “Matt, you’re 25 and you’re completely out in your job and on your webpage. What do you mean you aren’t out to your parents!?”
I’ve been out for 5 years now and I’ve never been able to work up the courage to tell them. I’ve tried to approach the subject on school breaks, but it always seems like some crisis with my brothers comes up and I’m afraid to add one more worry to my parents’ plate.
I’m graduating (finally) from grad school and starting my first job, so I’m not financially dependent on them. And I haven’t really lived at home for any length of time for 7 years now. So why am I worried?
I just don’t really know how they’d take it. But am I afraid they’d cut me out of their lives and not talk to me? No, I’ve already effectively done that. I rarely respond to their phone calls or emails because I feel like there’s this humongous gap of misunderstanding between us. This gap is completely of my creation.
Tonight in my dorm, this mother from Southern Indiana came to talk about her experience coming to terms with having a gay son. If Rhea Murray can do it, surely my folks can. I guess.
I just feel so guilty that I try to be a role model for all the undergrads I work with, yet I haven’t come out to my own parents.
It’s just…. why don’t they ask me about it? I know that deep down in their hearts they know. Why don’t they bring up the subject?
So I’m considering the coward’s way out right now. I found a nice webpage from PFLAG and I thought I’d just send my parents the URL with a short note that I think they should look at it.
My heart is racing now that I’ve typed up the email to them. Do I dare send it?
I read and reread what I’ve just written here.
Update: I sat for over half an hour and watched the cursor blink: send message y/n.
After bawling my eyes out and wiping my nose repeatedly on my sleeves (how unbecoming in front of my webcam), I finally hit “y.”
Now, I just have to wait.
Coming out to my mom was one of the hardest things I ever did. The hardest was coming out to my dad; I never actually did that, though. I let my mom tell him for me.
I don’t have an answer for you, because I think it’ll be difficult at first. I just know that in the years since I took that first step, I’ve become much closer to both my parents than I ever was before. Having a significant other (and not just a boyfriend) made being out to them easier as well. Instead of saying “I’m gay”, I just talked about Drew (well, now it’s Michael). Rather than having my parents worry about an abstract “gayness”, they instead met this real solid individual who they came to care about as much as I did.
I guess I’m not helping you much, though.
bill | 13 Apr 2000