Hit or Miss

Confession #3.

I still haven’t come out to my parents. I’ve been waiting for an opportune moment my entire visit — a chance for me to toss off some casual bon mot to clue them in. I keep formulating them in my head based on our conversations, but then they never give me the setup for the
punchline. Since I’m leaving on Wednesday morning, I have a feeling it’s not going to happen this trip home.

6 responses so far (Respond)

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Matt, this is giving me flashbacks to the time I came out to my parents. I kept waiting and waiting for them to open the door…it never happened. Finally, I sat them down and said I needed to talk to them…and out it came…simply, sweetly and honestly. No drama. I wish you the best, becaus eI know how nerve-wracking coming-out can be. I’m sending you lots of good thoughts & hugs. Much love, my friend…

Todd | 7 Jan 2002
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Yeah, Matt, there’s not necessarily going to be an opportune moment – there might never be. You just need to screw your courage to the sticking point and go for it. Good luck!

dlevy | 7 Jan 2002
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Don’t push it. It will take care of itself. Like when you want to break up with someone but his birthday is coming up so you put it off, cause it’s not a good time, but then one day a little conversation turns into a big one and it’s all over. It’s just happens.

But you know what, telling them is just the beginning. And the most fun part (all that drama and all). The subsequent tightrope walk never ends.

Maybe I’m wrong.

david | 7 Jan 2002
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hey, i would say that you should do an assessment of what your parents give to you and are you willing to lose it. when i came out, my parents kicked me out of the house, stopped paying for my college and pretty much adopted a “toughlove” stance on my “addiction”. in retrospect, i would have told them after i had moved out of the house on my own and had finished school. sure it may have been using them – but at least i would have been able to deal with their homophobia and still have a place to live and money in my pocket.

vic | 9 Jan 2002
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Matt, I feel like maybe I shouldn’t stick my two-sense in, since I cannot completely understand what you are going through. Still, I know that this has been something you have been working up to for a long time. Imagine how disappointed and trapped and crestfallen you will feel if you return to Missouri and you still are hiding a secret from them. I am sure I can’t understand what it must be like to give your parents some shocking, possibly unwanted news, but I can guess that it can’t be much worse than keeping a huge secret from them. You can do it, Matt!

Bertie | 9 Jan 2002
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Ditto the above. When you’re ready, you’ll do it. It took years for me to come out to my dad, and I finally did it last year, but I couldn’t push it. You can get ready, sure, but don’t rush yourself.

The best way to help yourself get to the point of readiness is to ask yourself what it is that could happen you’re so afraid of, and what the consequences would be in the worse-case scenario. Could you live with those consequences? How would they affect you? Would things be better now, withholding the truth, or aftewards, maybe not ideal but being honest about who you are? And how much is what you’re afraid of based in what’s going on, and how much is it coming from not knowing what would happen? In other words, are you making a mountain out of a molehill?

One other thing: your folks probably aren’t stupid (I mean, they raised you up right, right? 🙂 ). They may have some idea. When I finally told Dad after years of not being candid, all he said was, “Yeah, I kinda figured.” Me coming out just made it formal. Granted, your parents sound more conservative than mine are, but they still may surprise you. (If it helps any, try and take stock of what they’ve said in the past regarding queer people… have they used any slurs? Have they complained about the “gay agenda”? It made it easier for me to come out to Dad once I realized that not once have I ever heard him use “faggot” as a slur, or complain about gays, or make snide remarks when the news had footage from the gay pride parade, et cetera.)

Much luck, dearheart. *hugs*

Jason | 11 Jan 2002