Hit or Miss

In which Matt reflects on suicide

In which Matt reflects on suicide. I came very close to committing suicide in high school. One day in the middle of class I couldn’t take the teasing anymore and I called my mom at work and got permission to check out because I was “sick.” I drove towards home and pulled into the parking lot of the drug store, sitting there for 30 minutes — tears streaming down my face — as I tried to work up the courage to go inside and buy some sleeping pills or something else to kill myself. Eventually I gave up and drove home and never told a soul about it.

I came very close to committing suicide in college. One day I was eating dinner with some fraternity brothers and I couldn’t take the teasing anymore and walked out of the McDonald’s back towards campus, where I holed myself up in my room. Later, the brothers tried to force my door open to check on me, and I lashed out at them through my tears, pushing my way through them and escaping into the dark. I spent that night in the campus chapel, fortunately left open 24 hours a day, praying to God to make the teasing stop, but also praying for the strength to find some rope and just stop everything. Later, my brothers and I never spoke of that night again.

I came very close to committing suicide, but I didn’t. I don’t know how I managed to survive, when so many gay teenagers don’t.

Growing up in Alabama and attending a conservative college in Indiana, I didn’t think I had anyone to talk to. I was wrong, but I didn’t see that at the time.

Fortunately today, people have the internet to turn to. If you yourself are thinking about suicide, please read this page.

3 responses so far (Respond)

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It’s a brave thing just to admit to having been there, and a big step to removing the stigma that is a big part of the reason no one talks about suicide…

I’ve been there too, had those same long nights, and I wish I had had words like yours to read. The upside of having these weblogs is that maybe more kids who don’t feel they have a voice or anyone to listen to will find this medium an escape.

And in case you ever wonder, you’ve got a whole audience here to listen to if you ever need it today. 🙂

Anil Dash | 16 Feb 2001
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Ugh. I was there too, when I was 16. Except I took the pills, then snapped out of it immediately afterward. Thank your chosen god for Ipecac. That page is really nice. I like what it says about “People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.” I think that’s what snapped me out of it. I had the relief once I took the pills. Fortunately, I had time to react before they kicked in.

Jason | 16 Feb 2001
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I have been there as well. I took the pills, twice actually, and learned a few scary things. The first time in high school it was over 300 pills. My father was on some heavy pain kills. That time I got off with a stomach pumping and a night in the hospital. That was my sophomore year. My Junior year it was 99 Lithium. That one did not go over so well. I had dialyses and landed a week in a mental hospital.

I felt so alone. My girlfriend, take that in the lesbian sense, called my family. I was on the phone saying goodbye to her and she was trying to convince me not to do anything rash. I quietly told her I already had when my father’s boss beeped in. She called back and got me the help that I needed. I came prettry close to actually dying that time. It was a serious awakening. I was with people who knew every mental hospital in the area intimately.

Thank whatever higher power you believe in for friends. Sometimes they are all that stand between you and death.

holly | 9 Sep 2003